


Sayonara, Zetsubou-Sensei drabbles

by KB9VCN



Category: Sayonara Zetsubou-Sensei
Genre: Drabble Collection, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2007-08-30
Updated: 2018-04-11
Packaged: 2018-05-24 06:57:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 45
Words: 4,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6145319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KB9VCN/pseuds/KB9VCN
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Published 30-Aug-2007; humor; 100 words.</p><p>See also "Too Much Rope" by Roger Waters.</p><p>This is an out-take from episode 3 of the anime (written without knowledge of later episodes).</p><p>This contains slapstick violence and cruel humor.  Reader discretion is advised.</p>
          </blockquote>





	1. Too Much Rope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 30-Aug-2007; humor; 100 words.
> 
> See also "Too Much Rope" by Roger Waters.
> 
> This is an out-take from episode 3 of the anime (written without knowledge of later episodes).
> 
> This contains slapstick violence and cruel humor. Reader discretion is advised.

A suicidal Nozomu accepted Kafuka's second noose, after Chiri refused to hand over the rope she had just wound up neatly.

Chiri protested. " _Sensei_!! You must not use Kafuka's rope!!"

Nozomu hung the noose from the ceiling. "Let me die in peace!! You can coil this rope after I've shuffled off this mortal coil!!"

"It isn't that—" Chiri said.

Nozomu tried to hang himself— and fell flat on the floor.

"I was trying to tell you," Chiri said, "that Kafuka's rope is too long!!"

"Ah," Nozomu said face-down into the floor. "Thank you, Miss Kitsu."

"You're welcome," Chiri said properly.


	2. Terminal Paper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 12-Sep-2007; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31_days.livejournal.com/) "[an ode to your innocence](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1216936.html)" prompt.

Kafuka stood at the front of the class, and began to read from a term paper. "My presentation," she said cheerfully, "is on the epidemic of Japanese people trying to make themselves taller—"

"WHAT!?" Nozomu yelled. "Hasn't this joke gone on long enough, Kafuka!?"

"It's no joke, Mr. Pink Supervisor," an unusually stern Kafuka said. "It's important for us to try to understand how, in a world filled with hope, so many people could believe themselves to be vertically challenged!"

Once again, Nozomu found himself pondering the exact line between sweet (if infuriating) naïveté and profound psychotic denial of reality.


	3. Salaried Sensei

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 26-Nov-2007; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31_days.livejournal.com/) "[forget love, do it for the money](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1306859.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains slapstick violence. Reader discretion is advised.

"I've often wondered why you decided to became a teacher," Chie said to Nozomu. "You certainly don't seem to enjoy the work— not that you enjoy doing anything."

"That's true," Nozomu said forlornly. "I only became a teacher for the money."

Chie blinked. "What!? Teaching is one of the most poorly compensated careers in modern society!"

Nozomu shrugged. "Well, I never claimed to have much intelligence or common sense."

Chie sighed. "Sometimes I wonder why I ever bother trying to talk to you."

"I never thought you were that smart, either," Nozomu said bluntly, just before he was severely beaten.


	4. Focus Study Group

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 4-Jan-2008; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31_days.livejournal.com/) "[foreshortened view of everything](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1361030.html)" prompt.

Nozomu walked into his classroom without his eyeglasses. "Did you get contact lenses, Mr. Pink Supervisor?" Kafuka asked.

"No, I just couldn't find my glasses, this morning," Nozomu said. "But I can teach without them."

He opened a book on his podium. Frowning, he narrowed his eyes, and leaned down towards the book until his nose brushed it.

Then he suddenly beat his head against the podium. "I'M IN DESPAIR!! My lack of focus has left me in DESPAIR!!"

"I think everybody saw that coming," Kaere said.

"Everybody except him," Chiri said. "Even with glasses, he never sees anything coming."


	5. Weather Report Girls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 16-Jan-2008; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31_days.livejournal.com/) "[it's sane enough what I'm asking](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1361030.html)" prompt.

"So, uh..." Nozomu said to Chiri and Kafuka during a break from class. "It's a nice day, isn't it?"

"It's too comfortable," Chiri said.

Nozomu sweat-dropped. "...huh?"

"It isn't a proper summer day in Japan," Chiri said, "unless it's uncomfortably humid."

"But it isn't uncomfortably humid," Kafuka said cheerfully, "so it isn't not a nice day!"

"How can it be NICE if it isn't PROPER!?" Chiri yelled. "And stop using double negatives!!"

"Chiri, you shouldn't worry if I don't not use double negatives," Kafuka said sweetly.

"ARRGH!!" said Chiri.

_It's not a nice day at all_ , Nozomu thought to himself.


	6. Cure For Optimism

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 11-Feb-2008; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31_days.livejournal.com/) "[confess and be hanged](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1430852.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also "Cure For Optimism" by Porcupine Tree.

"Is something wrong, Kafuka?" asked Nozomu.

"I had a difficult morning," an unusually subdued Kafuka said. "First, I forgot one of my books, and I had to run back for it..."

"Oh, really?" Nozomu said. Suddenly hoping to convert Kafuka to his despairing world-view, he pulled out his favorite hanging rope.

"And then," Kafuka said, "I stepped right in the middle of a big puddle!"

Nozomu knotted a noose for Kafuka's height. "Go on," he said eagerly.

Kafuka beamed. "But that's OK! That just means, tomorrow will be a better day!"

Nozomu quickly retied the noose for his own height.


	7. The More You Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 26-Feb-2008; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31_days.livejournal.com/) "[we deceive ourselves](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1430852.html)" prompt.

" _Sensei_?" asked Chiri. "Is it true that, 'The more you know, the more you realize how little you know'?"

"I believe so," Nozomu said. "That's a wise proverb, Miss Kitsu."

"In that case," Chiri said, "although you claim to be qualified to be our teacher? In reality, either you're stupid, or else you're in a state of denial over your self-apparent lack of qualifications."

Nozomu opened and closed his mouth a few times, and then sadly pulled out his suicide kit.

"Do you enjoy sending him into despair?" Kaere asked Chiri.

"It wouldn't be proper if I didn't," Chiri said.


	8. Academania

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 13-Mar-2008; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31_days.livejournal.com/) "[the rope to the ivory tower](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1506131.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains cruel grim humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Chie was chatting with Chiri. "Have you thought about your career path?" Chie asked.

"I was considering becoming a teacher," Chiri said. "The youth of Japan need to be 'properly' educated."

"I fear for the future youth of Japan," Chiri said dryly. "That's an admirable ambition, but it's not an easy path. You'll find it more difficult that you might first expect to scale the 'ivory tower' of academia."

Nozomu suddenly swung into view outside Chie's office window, limply hanging from a noose.

"And apparently," Chiri said casually, "even when you get in, it's easy to fall back out again."


	9. A Sense Of Normality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 29-Mar-2008; angst?/humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31_days.livejournal.com/) "[takes one to know one](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1506131.html)" prompt.

Nami had struck up a conversation with a transfer student. "I hope you don't mind my saying this," Nami said, "but you seem just like a normal high-school girl."

The new girl giggled. "What a strange thing to say! But I guess you're right. I don't have any unusual hobbies or interests, and I... Um, are you OK, Nami?"

Nami had tearfully embraced her new friend. She was relieved that she no longer had to face the weirdness alone.

The new girl hesitantly patted Nami's shoulder. She was suddenly worried that being a normal high-school girl would bring such relief.


	10. Come To No Arm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 16-Apr-2008; angst/humor; 200 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31_days.livejournal.com/) "[do not feed the animals](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1549763.html)" prompt.

Abiru entered Nozomu's classroom, and slowly and painfully made her way to her desk. She was more heavily bandaged than usual— and her right jumper sleeve was empty, folded up and pinned to her shoulder.

Taking no notice of the sudden stunned silence, she sat down, began to set out her school supplies with some difficulty, and then looked up at the shocked faces all around her. "...what?" she asked nervously.

Nozomu walked up to her, kneeled in front of her and gently held her left hand. "I'm so sorry that it's come to this," he said tearfully. "If there's anything that any of us can do?..."

"Um, thank you," Abiru said. She held up her jumper to reveal her right arm, wrapped in a tight body-harness sling against her chest. "I received this compound fracture while I was playing with the animals at the zoo, last night. My arm has to be immobilized until it heals."

Nozomu (and most of the rest of the class) passed out from a second shock of overwhelming relief.

"Oh, for goodness sake!!" Abiru said. "What is wrong with all of you!? The way you're acting, you'd think my arm had been chewed off!!"


	11. Everybody's Stalking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 18-Apr-2008; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31_days.livejournal.com/) "[everybody's stalking](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1549763.html)" prompt.

Nozomu returned to his house after a day of wacky social commentary and failed suicide attempts. He took a scolding from an uninvited Chiri (who was cleaning his kitchen), an apology from Ai and a beating from Mayo. Then he sat down at his _kotatsu_ , between an uninvited Kaere and Meru.

" _Jiiiiiii..._ " said his _kotatsu_. Nozomu looked under it. "Hello again, Miss Tsunetsuki," he said.

And then, Nozomu opened his satchel. " _Akenaide yo_!" said a small plaintive voice.

Nozomu gasped. "Miss Komori? Why— no, HOW are you hiding in my satchel?"

"They're doing amazing things with dimensional transcendentalism," Kiri said.


	12. You've Got Meru

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 17-Jun-2008; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31_days.livejournal.com/) "[she keeps calling me back again](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1634356.html)" prompt.

Kaere walked up to Nozomu, who was slumped over his lectern. "Now what's wrong?" she asked him.

Nozomu held up his cell-phone as he answered her. "The 600 abusive text messages I've read this morning have left me in DESPAIR!!"

Kaere glanced at Meru, who was tapping out insults on her cell-phone so quickly that her fingers were a blur.

"I don't know which is more pathetic," a face-palming Kaere said, "that she doesn't have anything better to do than to send hundreds of abusive text messages, or that you don't have anything better to do than to read them."


	13. Class Rankled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 5-Jul-2008; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31_days.livejournal.com/) "[enlightenment in kids](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1685108.html)" prompt.

"As the school counselor, I've been monitoring the test scores and the general progress of your students," Chie said to Nozomu. "I must congratulate you on the exceptional performance of your class. Although, I haven't been able to establish whether it's due to your own hard work, or if it's despite your best efforts."

"The little fools," Nozomu said sadly. "I've tried to convince them of the futility of developing their talents, but they insist on doing it anyway."

"If only they could use their talents for good instead of evil," Chie said distantly.

"That doesn't seem likely," Nozomu noted.


	14. Dual Role Call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 26-Jul-2008; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31_days.livejournal.com/) "[it's me and you and our insanity](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1685108.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains mild slapstick violence. Reader discretion is advised.

Nozomu was taking attendance. "Miss Kaere Kimura?" he called.

Kaere didn't answer. "Miss Kaere Kimura?" Nozomu called again.

"I am sorry, but I do not know anybody named 'Kaere'," "Kaede" said politely.

"Oh, you've changed personalities," Nozomu said. "Miss Kitsu, would you oblige us?"

"Certainly." Chiri reached out and delivered a dope-slap to the back of "Kaede"s head.

"OUCH!!" Kaere said, changing personalities again. "Alright already, I'm here!"

_There has to be a less violent method of taking attendance_ , Nozomu thought to himself.

"If you do that again," Kaere said predictably, "I'll sue!"

_And a less expensive method_ , Nozomu thought.


	15. Out Of The Pink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 5-Aug-2008; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31_days.livejournal.com/) "[supply and demand](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1720454.html)" prompt.

Kafuka walked up to Nozomu, and offered him a ¥10 coin. "Here's the 'fee', Mr. Pink Supervisor," she said cheerfully.

"What happened to the usual fifty yen?" Nozomu asked, curious despite himself.

"The cherry blossom season is over," Kafuka said. "There isn't as much pink to supervise as there used to be, and so there's less demand for your services. That's how the free market works."

"I'm in DESPAIR!!" Nozomu suddenly wailed. "My sudden economic devaluation has left me in DESPAIR!!"

"Oh, don't worry," Kafuka said kindly. "You'll have more pink to supervise again in only fifty weeks or so."


	16. Akenaide Yo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 22-Aug-2008; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31_days.livejournal.com/) "[behind closed doors](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1720454.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains nudity and mild adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Nozomu knocked at Chie's office door, and then opened it. " _Akenaide yo_!" said Kiri, who was in Chie's office, and in a bath with Chie again.

"GAH!!" said Nozomu. He closed the door, and then knocked at it again. "What do you WANT!?" Chie shouted from behind the closed door.

"I was wondering if you'd seen Miss Komori," Nozomu said, "but you've obviously 'seen' ALL of her!"

"What do you want with her?" Chie asked.

"I was only WONDERING," Nozomu said irritably, "if she MIGHT happen to be free to attend CLASS!"

"NO!!" Chie and Kiri said in perfect unison.


	17. Return To Normal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 7-Dec-2008; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31_days.livejournal.com/) "[did you find enlightenment in the Western paradise?](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1912785.html)" prompt.

"How was your recent trip to the United States?" Chiri properly asked Nami.

"Oh, it was wonderful!" Nami said happily, pleased by her friend's interest. "I got to see—"

Chiri abruptly cut her off. "Are you sure that you went to America?" she asked suspiciously.

Nami was taken aback. "Uh— of course! Why would you think that I didn't go to America?"

"After spending time both abroad and in Japan," Chiri said, "Kaere developed profound psychological trauma. But you still seem so—"

"DON'T SAY IT!!" Nami suddenly shouted.

"...normal," Chiri said.

"I TOLD YOU NOT TO SAY IT!!" Nami yelled.


	18. Stalking The Stalker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 19-Feb-2009; humor; 200 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days_exchnge**](http://31-days-exchnge.livejournal.com/) "he looks for his shadow, it cannot be found" prompt.
> 
> This contains slapstick violence and mild adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Nozomu slowly walked into his classroom, after first leaning back out and looking up and down the hallway outside. He walked up to the lectern and looked underneath it.

" _Sensei_?" asked Kafuka. "What are you looking for?"

"You mean, 'who' am I looking for," Nozomu said from under the lectern.

"YOU mean, 'WHOM' are you looking for," Chiri said.

"OUCH!!" Distracted by Chiri's correction, Nozomu stood too quickly and banged his head under the lectern. "Yes, thank you, Miss Chiri. I'm looking for Miss Matoi."

"Why?" Kaere asked. "And you'd better have a good reason to be stalking a teenaged girl, or else I'll sue on her behalf."

"She hasn't been stalking ME all morning," Nozomu said as he rubbed his poor head. "I'm afraid that she might be injured, or trapped in a closet, or something."

"She's not in here," Kiri said from inside a classroom supply closet.

"Maybe she's in the bathroom," Kafuka suggested.

"Ah! Thank you! I'll check," Nozomu said.

"Wouldn't Matoi be in the women's bathroom?" Chiri asked, after Nozomu left.

Everybody over-heard Nozomu's high-pitched shriek, followed by the muffled sounds of a violent scuffle.

"At least Chie- _sensei_ was in the women's bathroom," Kafuka said happily.


	19. Duck And Cover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 5-Jul-2010; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31_days.livejournal.com/) "[the ducks are hazards in the classroom](http://31_days.livejournal.com/2542381.html)" prompt.

During an unusually long and boring lesson, Kafuka stood up, pointed at the classroom windows, and squealed like a fire alarm. "EEEEEEEE!!!!!!"

After his heart resumed beating, Nozomu cleared his throat. "* _ahem_ * Is there a problem?"

"BABY DUCKS!!" Kafuka cried. In an instant, the entire class had left their seats and crowded along the windows.

"Ex-CUSE me!" Nozomu said. "I was in the process of teaching you things that you'll never use and soon forget—"

"They're SO CUTE!!" a giggling Kafuka said, completely ignoring him.

"I'M IN DESPAIR!!" Nozomu wailed. "Extremely cute baby animals have incongruously left me in DESPAIR!!"


	20. Worried About Nothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 1-Mar-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[smile because it happened](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3171011.html)" prompt.

Kafuka walked up to Nozomu, and paid the regular fifty-yen fee, but with an extremely big happy smile.

Nozomu eyed her warily. "What are you so happy about, Kafuka?"

"Oh, nothing in particular," Kafuka said in a dreadfully sweet voice.

"No, really," a suddenly panicking Nozomu said. "What happened!?"

"Nothing, Mr. Pink Supervisor," Kafuka said. "Really, it's NOTHING."

Chiri walked up as darkness fell over Nozomu. "What's going on?" Chiri asked.

"I'm in DESPAIR!!" Nozomu shrieked. "NOTHING has left me in DESPAIR!!"

"Well, if everything else has already left you in despair," Chiri said thoughtfully, "nothing is all that's left."


	21. Living In The Real World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 28-Mar-2016; humor?; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3171011.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains depressing adult themes. Reader discretion is advised.

"I'm concerned that you're not preparing your home-room students for living in the real world," Chie said to Nozomu. "Instead of teaching them how to cope with modern life, you're encouraging them to retreat into their various psychoses."

"Oh?" said Nozomu. "Authoritarianism and Orwellian surveillance is on the rise; both skilled and unskilled jobs are being automated at an ever increasing rate; and personal relationships are difficult to form and impossible to maintain. Isn't it better to retreat into fantasy than to struggle with those soul-crushing problems?"

"I prefer your usual wacky suicidal mania to this realistic cynicism," Chie noted.


	22. Birthday Of Reckoning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 29-Apr-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[calendar](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3181743.html)" prompt.

Kafuka watched Nozomu change a bulletin-board calendar. "I can't believe another month has gone by so quickly," Kafuka said.

"We're all another month closer to our DEATH," Nozomu added.

"Or a month further from our birth," Kafuka also added.

"Isn't that the same thing?" Nozomu asked.

"Every year since we were born, and every month since the last time we changed the calendar, holds memories of the joys of life and the love of our friends," Kafuka said sweetly. "The more distant our birth, the more life we've LIVED!!"

"I wish that I had NEVER been born," Nozomu said sadly.


	23. Despair Isn't Literature

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 4-Aug-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[some said twilight required a reckoning](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3229023.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also [TWILIGHT ISN'T LITERATURE](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OzkLhREadCQ)
> 
> This contains slapstick violence and predictable humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Nozomu found Chiri beating her head against the wall. "Problem?" Nozomu asked.

"Kafuka wrote a BL story with vampires for Harumi's newest _doujinshi_ ," Chiri groaned, "and *I* was foolish enough to READ it. WHAT HAS BEEN SEEN CANNOT BE UNSEEN."

"It might not be relevant to your feti— I mean, your interests," Nozomu said, "but surely it isn't THAT bad." 

"See for yourself." Chiri handed him a copy of the _doujinshi_ , and then resumed beating her head against the blackboard.

Nozomu skimmed through the _doujinshi_ , and then he beat his own head against the wall in perfect sync with Chiri.


	24. Christmas Episode

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 8-Sep-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[DEC 25 = OCT 31](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3243917.html)" prompt.

Nozomu found a Christmas card addressed to him on his desk in the teachers' lounge. "Who left this card here?" he asked Chie.

"I don't know," Chie said. "Open it and find out."

Nozomu opened the card, read its note, and then screamed a not-at-all manly scream.

Chie sighed. "Let me see that card," she said. "Hmm. 'Merry Christmas from your home-room class. We love you.' Only YOU would be terrified by heartfelt best wishes from a group of high-school girls."

"These are MY students we're talking about," Nozomu reminded her.

"...well, yes, your students ARE uniquely terrifying," Chie admitted.


	25. Save Our Souls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 2-Oct-2016; humor?; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[All Soul's Day](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3253389.html)" prompt.

Nozomu walked up to his lectern, and paused to bow his head.

"What are you doing, _sensei_?" asked Chiri.

"If you're trying to lead a prayer in school," Kaere said, "I'll sue."

"I was observing a moment of silence," Nozomu said, "in honor of the lost souls in this room."

"Don't be silly, _sensei_!" said Kafuka with a giggle. "We're not lost souls."

"Foolish children," Nozomu sighed. "You'll learn to abandon all hope soon enough."

An uncomfortable silence fell over the classroom.

"I want my mommy," Nami suddenly said tearfully.

"Don't we all, Miss Nami," said Nozomu. "Don't we all."


	26. Undesire Path

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 19-Nov-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[Normality is a paved road, it's comfortable to walk. But no flowers grow on it](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3253389.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains slapstick violence. Reader discretion is advised.

Abiru and Chiri were walking to school. Abiru stepped off the sidewalk and onto an uneven dirt path that diverged into the tall grass covering a riverbank.

"You shouldn't walk there," Chiri said. "It's not a proper path."

"But it's a shorter path because of how the river curves," Abiru said. "If we walk this way, we can get to school fastaAAUGH!!"

Chiri watched Abiru lose her footing, tumble down the riverbank like a rag doll, and land in a crumpled heap by the river's edge.

"It's not faster," Chiri shouted, "if I have to take you to the hospital!!"


	27. The Dark At The End Of The Tunnel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 2-Dec-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[the heart gets lighter after crying](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3272715.html)" prompt.

"You seem like you're in a good mood today, Mr. Pink Supervisor," said Kafuka to Nozomu.

"I assure you I am not," Nozomu said. "It seems so only because I was in such deep despair yesterday."

"Relatively speaking, it's still an improvement," Kafuka said.

"But also," Nozomu said, "it means that, soon enough, my mood shall inevitably return to the depths from which it came."

"It's important to have things to look forward to," Kafuka said cluelessly.

"I'M IN DESPAIR!!" Nozomu suddenly cried. "My unavoidable oncoming despair has left me in despair!!"

"Ooh! You're ahead of schedule," Kafuka said proudly.


	28. No Substitute For Despair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 24-Dec-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[It's unfair, you know. I want to cry too.](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3272715.html)" prompt.

Chie walked into Nozomu's classroom and up to his lectern. "Good morning," she said. "Itoshiki- _sensei_ is feeling unwell today— or rather, MORE unwell— and so I'll be substituting for him."

Many of the students' faces had fallen. "You don't have to be so disappointed," Chie said dryly.

Chiri raised her hand. "It's just that it's not a proper class if _sensei_ isn't here to do '[The Thing](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yoU2sf0bHI8)'."

"Oh. Well, um..." Chie dutifully recited Nozomu's trademark line in a flat voice. "I'm in despair. Being a substitute teacher has left me in despair."

"It's just not the same," Nami said sadly.


	29. Scar Issue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 28-Jan-2017; angst/humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[you had to look inside me to see the scar](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3284216.html)" prompt.

While dressing after P.E. class, Nami eyed several long deep scars across Abiru's back. "Oh, Abiru!" she said sadly.

"Don't worry, hon," Abiru said kindly. "That polar bear was mean, but I'm almost all healed up now."

Nami tearfully embraced Abiru, ignoring that they were both half-dressed. "You idiot," she sniffled.

"Aw, geez," Abiru said, returning her hug. "You're gonna make me cry too..."

Chiri and Kaere stood nearby and watched this touching scene. "Poor Nami," Kaere said. "Abiru's physical scars are giving her mental scars."

"As _sensei_ 's student," Chiri noted, "it wouldn't be proper if she WEREN'T psychologically damaged."


	30. In Deep Love Trouble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 25-Feb-2017; horror/humor/romance?; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[I'm out of my depth in an ocean of you](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3295603.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains psychological horror. Reader discretion is advised.

"Miss Matoi?" said Nozomu. "You've been stalking me for quite some time now. Isn't it about time for you to fall in love with someone else?"

"Oh no, _sensei_ ," Matoi said sweetly. "I admit that I used to be fickle... but you're different. You've enthralled my mind, my heart, and my soul so deeply that I could never love another again. If you were to forsake me, I think that I would DIE— but I'd KILL YOU and TAKE YOU TO HELL WITH ME."

Nozomu began to hyperventilate, as if he were panicking— or drowning.

"No PRESSURE," Matoi said cheerfully.


	31. Blankety-Blank

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 3-Mar-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[not another _____](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3306592.html)" prompt.

Nami was visiting with Kiri after the last of several days of dull standardized tests.

"At least we have a few days off before the NEXT round of standardized tests," Kiri said.

"Don't remind me," a stressed Nami said. "If I have to fill in one more blank, I think I'll FREAK."

As if on cue, Chie walked up. "Hello girls. Could I ask you to fill out these forms for the—"

"EEEEEEEE!!!!!!" Nami freaked and screamed like a banshee— and then, she dived head-first into Kiri's dimensionally-transcendental blanket.

"...I'm afraid Nami isn't available at the moment," Kiri said nervously.


	32. Doubleplus Ungood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 13-Apr-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[my philosophy is that worrying means you suffer twice](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3316945.html)" prompt.

"Did anyone read about the latest scandal in today's newspaper?" Nozomu asked his class.

After no one raised their hand, Nozomu held his face in his own hands. "Are NONE of you concerned over the depths to which we as a nation, as a society, as a people, have SUNK!?"

"It's best not to worry about it," Kafuka said. "If you worry 'bout your troubles, you'll only make them double."

"I'M IN DESPAIR!!" Nozomu cried predictably. "Being in DESPAIR has recursively left me in DESPAIR!!"

"Told you so," Kafuka said cheerfully. "You're twice as good at despair as I am."


	33. Disturbing The Peace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 29-May-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[peace came upon me and it leaves me weak](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3324655.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).

Chiri and Nami found Nozomu semi-conscious and slumped over his lectern. "What's wrong with him?" Nami asked.

"He hasn't been in DESPAIR for awhile," Chiri thought out loud. "He's probably missing the rush of adrenaline he gets from his wacky suicidal mania."

"What should we do?" a worried Nami asked.

"We could give him a reason to be in DESPAIR," Chiri suggested. "Wanna steal a car and knock over a liquor store?"

Nami sweat-dropped. "Um... couldn't we just buy a large coffee for him instead?"

"That isn't a proper remedy for this problem," Chiri said, "but it would be easier."


	34. Primal Screamer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 26-Jun-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[This is not a quiet lie. It is violent and shattering](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3326885.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).

Chiri was chatting with Kaere when they overheard Nozomu scream his not-at-all manly scream— over and over again.

"Um... is he OK?" Kaere asked nervously.

"He decided to try [primal therapy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Primal_therapy)," Chiri explained.

"I expect he'll lose his voice," Kaere said, "before he resolves even a fraction of all his repressed emotional distress."

They listened to Nozomu scream for awhile longer.

"He's doing better than I thought he would," an impressed Kaere said. "I wonder if we should try primal therapy too."

"Probably not," Chiri said. "We're both experiencing childhood trauma far more quickly than we could scream it away."


	35. Insecurity Questions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 27-Jul-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[some days I can't even trust myself](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3327585.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).

Chie found Nozomu staring intently at a data-entry form on a school computer. "Problem?" she asked.

"I have to create an account for this online training system," Nozomu said, "but it's asking me for the maiden name of my first girlfriend's favorite pet."

"That's just a security question for password recovery," Chie said, "so just make something up. You don't have to use real answers for those questions."

"But if I can't even remember a password," Nozomu said, "how can I remember THAT?"

"Just pick something that LEAVES YOU IN DESPAIR," Chie yelled, "and you'll be MORBIDLY OBSESSED WITH IT!!"


	36. Keeping Company

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 20-Aug-2017; angst/humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[don't you remember we, too, did such things in our youth](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3328150.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> This contains canon student-teacher relationships. Reader discretion is advised.

Nozomu and Chie watched their students leave— many arm-in-arm or holding hands.

"I wish I were young again," Nozomu said. "Watching them makes me feel lonely."

"Then do something about it," Chie said. "We're not that much older."

"Oh?" Nozomu asked. "What are YOU doing this evening?"

"Taking another long bath with Kiri," Chie said as she walked away, "and then snuggling with her all night."

And then, Matoi embraced Nozomu from behind. " _Sennnnsei_... eeh!?"

An unusually vulnerable Nozomu turned around and returned her embrace. "Please stay with me," he said.

 _I'm so happy,_ Matoi thought, _but also weirded out._


	37. Left With Despair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 28-Sep-2017; crossover/humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[I'm the emperor of sorrows](https://31-days.livejournal.com/2593257.html)" prompt (back-posted to AO3 only).
> 
> See also [_The Sandman_](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Sandman_%28Vertigo%29).

Nozomu was sitting on a park bench when a short, morbidly obese, and naked woman sat next to him.

"Terrible day, isn't it," Nozomu said casually.

"Dreadful," the woman agreed.

"Still," Nozomu said, "it's as good a day as any to die."

"Why do you say that?" the woman asked.

"Are you not Death, come to collect me?" Nozomu asked.

"No," the woman said. "You've mistaken me for my older sister."

"Oh. Sorry," Nozomu said. "Who, or what, ARE you?"

"I am Despair," the woman said.

"Ah," Nozomu said. "In that case, I'm already yours."

"Pretty much," Despair agreed again.


	38. Minimally Miserable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 30-Oct-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[with all that we desire, all that we suffer](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3329101.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> This contains mild adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Nozomu walked into his classroom wearing only a loincloth and his glasses.

Amidst the girlish squeals (and nosebleeds), Kaere dashed out of the room.

Chiri raised her hand. "Why aren't you dressed properly?" she asked sternly.

"I've g-g-given away everything I owned," a shivering Nozomu said. "Material p-p-possessions only bring d-d-despair."

Kiri appeared and draped her blanket over him. "You should permit yourself some material comforts," she said kindly.

"Thank you, Miss Komori," said Nozomu. "I've learned an important lesson."

Kaere returned with a policeman. "ARREST THAT PERVERT," she shrieked, "AND THEN SUE HIM!!"

"Make that TWO lessons," Chiri noted.


	39. Prison School

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 27-Nov-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[the jail that sets you free](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3329779.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> This contains mild adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

"I hate being stuck in school on a beautiful day like this," Harumi said to Kafuka and Nami. "I feel like I'm a student in a prison school... like the [adult manga](https://imgur.com/a/HxWkC) I read last night."

"You shouldn't say that," Kafuka said predictably. "Education is liberating!"

"And besides," Nami added, "those 'student-prisoner' manga are creepy."

Harumi raised an eyebrow. "How do YOU know about manga like that?"

Nami gulped. "Um... I surf the Internet?"

"Oh wow!" Kafuka said. "You're not as dull and boring, and NORMAL, as we all thought!"

"Gee, thanks," Nami said with equal parts embarrassment and annoyance.


	40. No Reason For The Season

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 23-Dec-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[it's the season of bowing our heads in the wind and knowing we are not alone in fear, not alone in the dark](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3330148.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> This contains nihilistic dark humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Chiri found Nozomu standing at a wintry window and gazing at the snow-covered scenery.

" _Sensei_?" asked Chiri. "You haven't been expressing the proper amount of despair today."

"I was considering that, behind the commercialization and false sentimentality, the holiday season might have some deeper meaning," Nozonu said.

As if on cue, Kafuka danced past while singing to herself. " _Jingle bells, Batman smells / Robin laid an egg / The Batmobile lost its wheel / The Joker got away!..._ "

Nozomu hung his head. "Miss Kitsu? Please kill me now."

"That's more like it," Chiri said cheerfully as she raised her spade.


	41. Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 26-Jan-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[take heart, take heart](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3331131.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).

Kafuka, Nami, and Harumi were looking over mid-term exams that had been graded and returned to them.

"How'd you do?" Kafuka asked Nami.

"Poorly," Nami said sadly. "I'll never get into college with these grades."

"At least you won't incur massive college debt that will follow you for the rest of your life!" Kafuka said cheerfully.

Harumi gulped. "I get good grades, and I was planning to go to college."

"At least you won't have to work at monotonous low-paying jobs for the rest of your life!" Kafuka said cheerfully.

"Welp, I'm in despair," Harumi declared. "You?"

"Same," Nami said.


	42. Blue Screen Of Despair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 26-Feb-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[I'm not as quick, but still as smart](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3332043.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).

Chie walked up behind Nozomu, who was face-desking in front of a school computer.

"What's wrong?" Chie got a first look at the monitor. "Oh, a 'Blue Screen Of Death'? I hope you saved your work."

"My computer '[has run into a problem that it COULDN'T HANDLE](https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:BSOD_Windows_8.png)'!" Nozomu cried. "It's even making a SAD FACE!"

"I've heard automation is threatening education jobs," Chie said. "Well, that computer is doing YOUR job perfectly."

"I'M IN DESPAIR!!" Nozomu wailed. "MY COMPUTER'S DESPAIR has left ME in DESPAIR!!"

"On second thought," Chie said, "that computer still lacks your human touch of desperate hopelessness."


	43. Violent Is The Word For Chiri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 9-Mar-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[running the gamut from jovially violent to maliciously violent](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3333751.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> See also _[Violent Is The Word For Curly](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Violent_Is_the_Word_for_Curly)_.
> 
> This contains sudden intense violence. Reader discretion is advised.

Nozomu was trying to bring his unusually unruly homeroom to order. "Settle down!" he said.

A spitball flew up and smudged itself on his glasses. "I said, SETTLE DOWN!!" he shouted.

A triangular paper football flew up and landed on his head. "I SAID—" he shouted again.

* _WHAM_ *!! Chiri's blood-stained spade flew up, missing his scalp by millimeters, and embedded itself in the wall behind him.

The classroom suddenly went VERY quiet.

"Miss Kitsu?" said Nozomu. "Please return your spade to Hammerspace and report to Chie- _sensei_ for counselling. Everybody else? Please self-study while I step away to change my underwear."


	44. Even Mower Despair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 21-Mar-2018; humor?; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[Hope is a force of nature. Don't let anyone tell you different](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3333751.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> This contains mild cruel humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Kafuka and Nozomu stood outside the school on a spring day and watched the groundskeeper mow the grass.

Kafuka suddenly pointed at a patch of high grass. "Oh, look! There's a wildflower!" she cried.

"I'm pretty sure that's just a weed," Nozomu said.

"But it's still so pretty!" Kafuka said.

Nozomu leaned in for a closer look. "Well," he said reluctantly, "it IS rather lovely—"

As if on cue, the groundskeeper passed them and mowed it down.

"At least we got to see it before it was BRUTALLY SHREDDED," Kafuka said cheerfully.

"Not helpful, Kafuka," said a suddenly DESPAIR-stricken Nozomu.


	45. Eye Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 11-Apr-2018; humor/romance?; 200 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[she closed her eyes to no avail](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3336873.html)" prompt.
> 
> This takes place during a possible plot-hole in S1E6 "Leap Before You Look."
> 
> This contains mild adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

The girls stood behind Tokita as he watched Nozomu on the Itoshiki family estate monitors.

"Mr. Tokita?" Chiri asked properly. "Per the traditional Itoshiki family marriage ritual, does engagement ALWAYS occur when ANYONE makes eye contact?"

"That is correct," Tokita said [without looking](https://imgur.com/bPYBnG2).

Chiri sweat-dropped. "All seven of us have looked at each other at least once since the ritual began."

"ENGAGEMENT SUCCESSFUL! ENGAGEMENT SUCCESSFUL! ENGAGEMENT SUCCESSFUL! ENGAGEMENT SUCCESSFUL! ENGAGEMENT SUCCESSFUL! ENGAGEMENT SUCCESSFUL!" the ritual official declared.

An uneasy silence fell over the room— and then, six of the girls freaked out at once.

"How am I going to stalk six other people at the same time?" Matoi thought out loud.

"We'll have to hold FORTY-TWO one-on-one post-marriage interviews!" Chiri declared.

"Does it count as 'eye contact' when my left eye is bandaged?" Abiru asked nervously.

"Will Maria have to apply for a spousal visa more than once?" Maria asked.

* _meru meru_ * _THIS IS THE WORST "LONG-TERM CONTRACT" EVER!!_

"If ANY of YOU PERVERTS even TOUCHES ME, I'LL SUE!!" Kaere yelled.

Only Kafuka remained calm. "How wonderful!" she said. "If any one of us 'catches' _sensei_ , we'll unlock the Harem Route... and if not, we'll all still have each other!"


End file.
